Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, No.5
Another look into the world of conservative doublethink. Previous editions are available at my journal page:
http://journals.democraticunderground.com/Fritz67
235 years ago today, the Declaration of Independence was signed. Despite the efforts of the conservatives of the day to keep us part of Great Britain (they would no doubt have called Washington and Adams "unColonial" and "terrorists"), to rip the Union apart four score and five years later to protect the property rights of slave owners, and their currently sadly successful efforts to restratify society into superrich elites and broke, desperate peons, the United States is still here. For now.
So, in the Founder's spirit of vigorous dissent to the stupidity of moneyed elites who feel they were placed in their position by God, past and present...
Thinks You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
* The death of Osama Bin Laden was a testament to the great leadership of George W. Bush.
* Obama's orders to kill Osama Bin Laden may have been illegal. Bush's orders to throw people into gulags and torture them, tap phones without a warrant, and lie to drum up support for a non-sanctioned invasion of another country were in no way illegal.
* It was fair to accuse the Democrats of wanting to institute "death panels" and "destroy Medicare" even though they did not. It's not fair for Democrats to accuse Republicans of "voting to end Medicare as we know it" just because they did.
* The last five hundred years of scientific advancement are not the result of thousands of scientists making observations, positing theories, and having them subject to peer review. The last five hundred years of scientific advancement are the result of a massive, secretive conspiracy to prove the Bible wrong and turn people away from Jesus.
* It's okay to give people government funded vouchers so that they can send their kids to religious schools. It's not okay for the government to fund Planned Parenthood.
* You are against the right to an abortion. You are also against everything that would reduce the number of abortions: birth control, sex education (both of which would reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies), and government funded health care and aid services (which would help the women who choose to deliver and possibly keep the children). The only acceptable solution to abortion is for them sluts to keep their legs closed--the involvement of anyone else in creating the pregnancy is irrelevant.
* You are against the right to an abortion, except when it saves your own wife from a medical emergency.
* Only heterosexual, married couples with enough disposable income to support a resultant child--on the man's salary alone--should be allowed to have sex at all.
* All life is sacred and precious from the moment of conception until the moment of birth.
* The world will end on May 21, 2011.
Er...wait a minute...
* The world will end on October 21, 2011
I realize that it's starting to sound more like "Things You Have To Believe To Be a Fundie" today, but...hm...
* Christian Fundamentalism is the One True Faith.
Yeah, that's sadly more and more true all the time
* If people get killed in earthquakes, wildfires, tornadoes, floods, and hurricanes, it's their own fault for making the stupid decision to live somewhere where those things happen.
(I'm sure the voters in Alabama and Missouri would agree with that, right?)
* "Falsehood": Quoting something Newt Gingrich actually said.
(Which is ironic, because the statement in question is one of the few non-falsehoods that gasbag's ever said in public)
* "Bravery" is Paul Ryan's plan to destroy Medicare. "Demagoguery" is Democrats telling people about Paul Ryan's plan to destroy Medicare.
* Just because you announce your "vacation" on Fox "News", and take it in a huge bus with your name and gaudy pictures splashed all over it doesn't mean you want the press following your every move.
* Sending racy Tweets and pictures of yourself to a woman you aren't married to is a much more serious crime than actually having sex with someone you aren't married to--ie a prostitute, your friend's wife, Congressional pages, women in Argentina, rentboys, ect.
* "Iron Lady" Margaret Thatcher declaring Sarah Palin "nuts" means that clearly, Mrs. Thatcher was never a true Conservative.
* While on a two week vacation touring the islands of Greece in your yacht, you accuse Barack Obama of being an elitist. With a straight face.
* Greece defaulting on its financial obligations would endanger the economy of the entire world. The United States defaulting on its financial obligations poses no danger at all to the world economy.
Things You Have To Believe To Be A Tbaggin Republican
Originally Posted by Keyser Soze
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