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Thread: Snow Is God's Way of Punishing Americans Planning To Drive To Do Something Gay

  1. #1

    Default Snow Is God's Way of Punishing Americans Planning To Drive To Do Something Gay

    More credibility from the religious right:

    http://news.yahoo.com/s/uc/20110101/...box/op_4716464

    Pat Robertson: Snow Is God's Way of Punishing Americans Planning To Drive To Do Something Gay
    Andy Borowitz

    Creators Syndicate – VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) — Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today's broadcast of his "700 Club" program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast "to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay."

    __Explaining his theory, Robertson said, "Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two."__ Additionally, he argued, God shut down major airports in the New York area "so that people who were hoping to fly to do something of a gay nature would have to take a train or a bus, so it might be days before the gay thing they were going to do could occur."__

    As for the millions of straight people in New York City who were also grounded by the bad weather, the televangelist said, "I think God probably wonders: If these people are really straight, then what are they doing in New York?"__

    In other blizzard-related news, the National Weather Service offered this update: "It's as white as a Glenn Beck rally out there."

    Winter Weather Expected to Dominate Conversations of Boring People

    Tedious observations about the severe winter weather are expected to dominate the conversations of uninteresting people for the next 24 to 48 hours, boredom experts warned today.

    With blizzard conditions blanketing the Northeast, a powerful front of mind-numbing weather-related banter is expected to pound the Eastern Seaboard from Sunday into Monday, with statements of the obvious stretching from the Carolinas to New England.

    "Blizzards like this are when boring people really come alive, unfortunately," said Dr. Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota's Meteorology Institute. "I would advise everyone to stay inside and avoid all contact with dull individuals unless it's an absolute emergency."__

    Tracy Klugian, 57, a prominent bore from Cincinnati, Ohio, said that she planned to take a break from her scrapbooking hobby to post Facebook updates about the weather on an hourly basis.

    "I live for days like this," said Klugian. "I've already said 'so much for global warming' 10 times today."__ And Klugian said she was spending the afternoon calling friends and relatives "to ask if it's cold enough for them."

    __"I sure have a lot to say about this snow and everything," she said. "I can't wait until somebody picks up."

  2. #2

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    is this from The Onion?


    The Tea Party loves America. The problem is it's an Ike Turner kind of love.


  3. #3
    Senior Member hd79's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tristanrobin


    is this from The Onion?
    I like the line about the blizzard:
    In other blizzard-related news, the National Weather Service offered this update: "It's as white as a Glenn Beck rally out there."


    Even if it is satire, its still pretty d*** funny!

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    Quote Originally Posted by tristanrobin


    is this from The Onion?
    I looked at the link thinking it had to be The Onion!! Funny stuff!
    "The illusion of freedom will continue as long as it's profitable to continue the illusion. At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will just take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater."
    - Frank Zappa


    When the fate of so many rests in the hands of so few, can the failure to be accountable ever be forgiven?

  5. #5

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    As for the millions of straight people in New York City who were also grounded by the bad weather, the televangelist said, "I think God probably wonders: If these people are really straight, then what are they doing in New York?"


    If he really said this stuff he needs to take his act on the road

    To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history, but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
    ~President Barack Obama

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by tristanrobin


    is this from The Onion?

    The only problem I have with the Onion is it is not thick enough. Its the funniest newspaper I have ever read.

    What America needs is an "Onion" newcast on cable. Can't believe it hasn't happened yet.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by foxbaron
    The only problem I have with the Onion is it is not thick enough. Its the funniest newspaper I have ever read.

    What America needs is an "Onion" newcast on cable. Can't believe it hasn't happened yet.
    It's called The Colbert Report.

  8. #8
    Senior Member hd79's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udo Dirkschneider
    It's called The Colbert Report.
    Borowitz is pretty good himself, though. Did you catch his headline from today?
    Fox News Reports No Link Between Matches, Gasoline and Fire

    Beck Busts ‘Mainstream Media Myth’


    NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The Fox News Channel today attempted to bust what it called a “mainstream media myth” by reporting that there was no link between matches, gasoline and fire.
    “Gasoline and matches don’t start fires,” said Fox host Glenn Beck. “People start fires.”


    Mr. Beck went on to say that there was no link between “oxygen, hydrogen and water.”


    Elsewhere, Verizon trumpeted its new iPhone, announcing, “For the first time, consumers will have a choice of which wireless carrier drops their calls.”
    http://www.borowitzreport.com/


    Colbert and Stewart are definitely the masters, but when it comes to satire, Borowitz is up there as well.

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    Quote Originally Posted by foxbaron
    The only problem I have with the Onion is it is not thick enough. Its the funniest newspaper I have ever read.

    What America needs is an "Onion" newcast on cable. Can't believe it hasn't happened yet.
    There is this I ran across during a search one time. I haven't checked it out...

    http://www.ifc.com/onn/cast-and-crew...ginal%20series

    http://www.ifc.com/onn/video.php

    "The illusion of freedom will continue as long as it's profitable to continue the illusion. At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will just take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater."
    - Frank Zappa


    When the fate of so many rests in the hands of so few, can the failure to be accountable ever be forgiven?

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by hd79
    Borowitz is pretty good himself, though. Did you catch his headline from today?

    http://www.borowitzreport.com/


    Colbert and Stewart are definitely the masters, but when it comes to satire, Borowitz is up there as well.
    I've not read his stuff but I've seen his name being tossed around here and there. I'll have to check it out.

    I've always been a big fan of Colbert and Stewart.

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