- “I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.”
- “Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.”
- “If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”
- “I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”
- “My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”
- “Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared”
- “I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.”
- “If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.”
- “When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”
They're so dumb, they're funny.
And he has many, many more.